emotions and lessons

i cried at work today.

it wasn't really a work related whatever that pushed me over the edge, but the feeling that things had gotten so far out of control that i couldn't find it in me to do anything except cry. and call my dad.

upon which the mere act of trying to find the words to explain the situation only made things worse. and made the tears come that much sooner, from a place much deeper. it wasn't about the money. it was then about disappointing my dad, which is my least favorite thing to do. i'd rather do anything else in the world. i know i should know better, and so does he.

i will say that while it hurts my heart to call and ask for the kind of help i called and asked for today, and it hurts my pride to have someone see me cry at work, i am so thankful that i have someone in my life who will help dig me out of whatever i dig myself into.

as kids i suppose we have to learn our own lessons, have to pick ourselves up when we cause ourselves to fall, sure. but the big things, the ones with the deepest rooted lessons... how do we solve these problems?

so i'm standing in this 10-year deep hole, watching it fill up with rain and shit that's downpouring on top of me. and the best thing i did today was call my dad.

the thing about my dad is that he throws the rope first. he helps me dig myself out of the hole. he teaches me the lesson as we're walking back to the house talking about how i got myself there to begin with. i'm so thankful that i have this ridiculously supportive, can-always-call-upon dad who will first throw me the rope.

it never comes without a lesson, be sure. but the lesson only comes when i'm standing out of harm's way. thank you, dad. and happy belated father's day!

communication

Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need. - Grey's Anatomy

change

"You see, I know change,
I see change, I embody change.
All we do is change; yeah, I know change.

We are born to change.
We sometimes regard it as a metaphor
that reflects the way things ought to be.

In fact, change takes time.
It exceeds all expectations.
It requires both now, and then.

See although the players change,
the song remains the same.
And the truth is:
you gotta have the balls to change."

--Vinney Jones, Change

a Spence in Seattle

so it's official. i live here now.

and so i've been out trying to take it all in.

i'm not going to lie, i'm a little lonely here, but behind a camera the city looks bright.
now if i can just get keys to my new place so i can do some laundry and my stuff delivered so i can start unpacking, i'll be on my way.

today i had lunch all by myself. at a restaurant. with a waiter. i'm certain it's never happened before, but i did it. and i'm certain that i'll do it again before i find my life, and/or some new friends in my new town.

place

it's all falling into place.

in fact, I found a place to live.

so now, much of the anxiety has subsided, and i'm as excited as ever to move.

it does help that they've sent me flowers twice now, and G sent my passport and I should be good to go by noon. I've met several more people, remembered their names, have lunch plans and am looking forward to drinks and appetizers with the team this evening.

it's a good day.

I'm finding my place here.

life moves

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller's Day Off


i can count the hours until my life changes big time.
...almost on one hand.
i cleaned out my office. i organized my computer. i shared all the right files. i danced at my parties. people have been notified. the papers have been signed. the keys almost turned in.
when i look around here at my office, it looks empty. it looks ready for the next lucky soul to jump in here and make their mark on this place.

i can't wait to see it. it's going to be quite a sight.
but until then, like right now rather... i'm stopped. and looking around at the remains of life that i've lived for the last four years, and spent the four before that preparing for.

the moment is going to pass soon. and things are going to start spinning again.

Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need. - Grey's Anatomy

365

so i've been doing the 365 day challenge on flickr. i'm on day 75 or almost 80 i think.



i have moments of complete inability to take photos and these last few weeks have completely been saturated with those moments, but i ask you this. please don't kick me out of this challenge. please allow me, with all of my current life changes, to be able to take photos when i can/feel pretty. i promise to give a good story and entertain as much as possible.

watch this space.
that's all i'm asking.