emotions and lessons

i cried at work today.

it wasn't really a work related whatever that pushed me over the edge, but the feeling that things had gotten so far out of control that i couldn't find it in me to do anything except cry. and call my dad.

upon which the mere act of trying to find the words to explain the situation only made things worse. and made the tears come that much sooner, from a place much deeper. it wasn't about the money. it was then about disappointing my dad, which is my least favorite thing to do. i'd rather do anything else in the world. i know i should know better, and so does he.

i will say that while it hurts my heart to call and ask for the kind of help i called and asked for today, and it hurts my pride to have someone see me cry at work, i am so thankful that i have someone in my life who will help dig me out of whatever i dig myself into.

as kids i suppose we have to learn our own lessons, have to pick ourselves up when we cause ourselves to fall, sure. but the big things, the ones with the deepest rooted lessons... how do we solve these problems?

so i'm standing in this 10-year deep hole, watching it fill up with rain and shit that's downpouring on top of me. and the best thing i did today was call my dad.

the thing about my dad is that he throws the rope first. he helps me dig myself out of the hole. he teaches me the lesson as we're walking back to the house talking about how i got myself there to begin with. i'm so thankful that i have this ridiculously supportive, can-always-call-upon dad who will first throw me the rope.

it never comes without a lesson, be sure. but the lesson only comes when i'm standing out of harm's way. thank you, dad. and happy belated father's day!